ÿþ<html> <head><title>Wits and Humors</title> </head> <body bgcolor="#ffe7c6" leftmargin=30> <center><b> <br><font size=+2 color=blue>Humors</font></b></center> <br><img src="images/colorbar.gif" width=98%> <br><br><table border=1 cellspacing=6 cellpadding=12 width=92%> <tr> <td align=center valign=top> <a href="cartoons/Maxine3.jpg"><img src="cartoons/Maxine3.jpg"width=280></a> <font size=-1>Click the image to see its larger picture</b></font></td> <td colspan=2> <b>Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers. <br><br>People are funny, they want the front of the bus, <br>the middle of the road, and the back of the church. <br><br>When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. <br><br>Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. <br><br>Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. </b></td> <!-- td align=center valign=middle --> <!-- img src="images/itsFun.jpg" width=280 --><!--/td --> </tr> <tr> <td align=center valign=middle> <img src="images/smile1.gif" height="60">&nbsp;&nbsp; <br><br><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk"><big>Hahaha<br> “‹`O_N‹•ãS'Y{</big></a></td> <td align=center valign=middle> <img src="cartoons/Maxine2.jpg" width=260> </td> <td align=center> <br><a href="cartoons/Maxine4.jpg"><img src="cartoons/Maxine4.jpg" width=220></a> <font size=-1>Click the image to see its larger picture</font></td> </tr> </table> <br><hr size=3 color=blue width=99% noshade> <br><a href="music/Puppet.wmv" loop=true>Awesome Puppet Show</a> <br><br>Don't put a question mark where God put a period. <br><br>God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. <br><br>Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty! <br><br>Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited -- until you try to sit in their pews. <br><br>It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. <br><br>Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever. <br><br>The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion." <br><br>Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers. <br><br>God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? <br><br>Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. <br><br>Peace starts with a smile. <br><br>I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from? <br><br>We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. <br><br>Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them. <br><br>Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. <br><br>Forbidden fruits create many jams. <br><br>God grades on the cross, not the curve. <br><br>He who angers you, controls you! <br><br>If God is your Copilot - swap seats! <br><br>The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. <br><br>The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. <br><br>We don't change the message, the message changes us. <br><br>You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him. <br><br><b>Older People's Sense Of Humor </b> <br><br><b>Story 1</b> <br>A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." <br><br><b>Story 2</b> <br>An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready. " The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." <br><br><b>Story 3</b> <br> Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." <br><br> <b>Story 4</b> <br>A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." ; She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!" <br><br><hr size=3 color=blue width=99% noshade> <a href="Intro.htm">Return to Church HomePage</a> <br>&nbsp;</b> </body> </html>